In 1970, the U.S. government classified marijuana as a scheduled I controlled substance, thereby making its manufacture, distribution, dispensation, or possession a federal crime. However, in recent years 18 states and the District of Columbia legalized recreational marijuana sales. Colorado initially pushed the envelope, while other state legislatures heard the people’s voices, and followed the Rocky Mountain state’s weed lead.
Forget red and blue political state designations. Green is the new ticket, and its popularity is blazing across the country.
But is it a good idea? Researchers from the Frito-Lay Corporation say absolutely. A recently published 357-page blast from the company, hailed empirically proven health benefits associated with marijuana consumption. Coinciding with their research publication, Frito-Lay plans to introduce “extreme” snack bag sizing to the market.
On September 15, 2021, grocery and convenience stores in Denver will begin selling 50lb Cheetos bags. By month’s end, outlets in the Pacific Northwest will offer full-sized, fully stocked Doritos disposable duffel bags, complete with carrying straps, specifically designed for their nomadic, outdoor-enthused, indigenous population.
While still considered a beta test group, Frito-Lay firmly believes in their corporate marketing paradigm.
Vivek Sankaran, president of Frito-Lay, Inc., stated, “The people in these fine states have spoken while smokin’, and we feel an obligation to fall in line with the voice of the masses. It’s our duty as Americans and dietary professionals to provide a high standard.”
While Frito-Lay is a subsidiary of PepsiCo, it is uncertain if this will spill over into other facets of the multinational food and beverage corporation or if new competitors will crop up and follow suit.
“We’ll let the free market and healthy competition discern the strong and weed out the lesser products and companies,” Sankaran commented.
On the other side of the coin, nominated U.S. Drug Czar Rahul Gupta attacked the report, questioning its merit, credibility, and grammar.
“Seriously, did anybody actually review this?” Gupta asked. “It reads like a fifth grade social studies paper. Not to mention, there’s nothing after page 7! The last 350 pages is the same pie chart, repeated with different colors.”
When queried regarding the drug czar’s accusations, Sankaran responded, “Who doesn’t like pie?”
And that’s a solid argument. Even diabetics like pie, they just can’t eat it.
When asked about their position on “extreme” snack bagging, the Obesity Action Coalition, the American Obesity Association and Shape Up America! all initially declined to comment on the issue. However, in a brief, impromptu press release, all three organizations expressed support for personal freedom of choice and two of the organizations plan to actively petition the U.S. Congress to make September 15 a national holiday.
However, critics dispute Frito-Lay’s research objectivity, raising concerns over conflict of interest with the snack company and cannabis cultivators. Although piloted in only two states, most states have some form of legal cannabis sales through adult and medical use regulated programs. If “extreme” snack bagging ignites in Colorado and Washington, their plumes will surely envelope the rest of the country, if not Canada, too.
Speaking openly, an enthusiastic, Colorado medical marijuana prescriber, anonymously known as Dr. Mary Jane, hailed Frito-Lay as wellness and marketing pioneers.
“It’s absolutely genius.” Dr. M.J. exclaimed. “I just wish we had a little more lead time on this. 50lb Cheetos bags will take up a lot of space and I’ll definitely need more shelving at my clinic. Orange and green will now be synonymous with good health!”
Even conservatives noted for their stance against the legalization of marijuana softened their hardline drug rhetoric, noting Frito-Lay’s marketing acumen and opportunistic approach to an increasing societal acceptance of legalized cannabis.
“We’ll definitely take stock of the ongoing Frito-Lay situation, no pun intended,” quipped an anonymous Wall Street analyst. “I’ve always said go after the green. Who knew?”
Colorado knew.
The state posted $2.1 billion in total cannabis sales in 2020, and sat at the $962 million mark in 2021 by the end of May. And keep this in mind; the FDIC won’t touch these proceeds, so this remains a cash business without bank and credit card company involvement.
Does this mean businesses are not fully claiming their true income to avoid higher taxation? Despite the huge profits, are the states still missing out on a large portion of taxable revenue? Absolutely not, claims the National Restaurant Association (the other NRA).
“Waiters, waitresses, and bartenders have worked for decades in a business that can rely heavily on cash. These employees diligently maintain accurate tax records and claim all cash tips to the IRS and state officials. Under-reporting cash profits simply doesn’t happen, and I’m sure the marijuana industry is no different.”
Esther George, Kansas City Federal Reserve President, recently met with Colorado bankers to discuss issues revolving around banking service access for legalized “pot shops”. Although parties presented no resolution, many see this as the next step in bringing cannabis mainstream and legitimizing an industry previously associated with criminal elements.
And what do the man and woman on the street think?
“That’s obvious,” Sankaran says. “The votes were tallied, marijuana’s legal, and the snack’s are in route. Smoke up boys and girls, and let the chips fall where they may!”